That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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