I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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