Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
