I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
