I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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