Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
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