I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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