Pass out mid-funnel last night.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
