I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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