i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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