I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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