Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I want a musical about memes.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
