You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
