Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
