Don't make out with my wife yet
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize