ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize