i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
