Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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