We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
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