Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize