I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
