I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
