Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Semen is not good for contacts.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
