I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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