I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
whose parrot is this?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
