how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
