On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
