I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
