somebody snuck up and got me drunk
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
