if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
