It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
