Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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