Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
