who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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