last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
