omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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