there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
