I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize