I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
