The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
