You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
