Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
