Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
