im about as happy as oj after his trial
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This is the high leading the old right now
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
