both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
