I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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