I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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