I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i now understand why vodka
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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