It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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