How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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