Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
and she was petting her beer can
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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