Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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