so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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