you would pick up someone in the library
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
