This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
