my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
