Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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