I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
